I
the sand is grey.
i keep trying to focus
on other things but
what i seem to notice most is
that the sky will change color
and the sea will roll into blue
and the sun will march
to an inaudible beat
and make its way
across the flat sky
but the sand is grey
and always will be.
II
he wasn’t even five minutes old.
it never escapes me that
he was here for
less than 300 seconds
and only twenty seconds
of my life
had him in it
and then he
just
suddenly
wasn’t, anymore.
i can feel his hands around my throat
III
sometimes i wonder what it’d be like,
to have my twin brother.
some days i wish for the company,
and others (as terrible as this is to say)
i’m happy he’s dead.
i think i would have killed for him
in high school, just like anyone would
have killed to be something more
than the loose, embryonic thing
they knew they were.
sometimes i wonder what it’d be like,
only sometimes.
IV
the wind
ruffles my hair as
the sun paints the sky
oranges and pinks.
my mother stands beside me.
asking me what’s wrong, i can
only manage the sort-of-answer
that leaves her with more questions:
“can we ever truly be ourselves?”
the words flutter in the wind
like a memory.
she pauses for a moment,
beautiful in her repose.
she is
his mother, too.
i tend to forget that.
“i miss him too,”
she whispers.
V
the sand is grey.
i whisper his name and look at the sky.
i imagine him up there,
looking exactly like me,
nodding and glancing
at his brother, grieving over
the brush of a shoulder…
Nicholas…
i wish
i wish this were
i wish this were true.
VI
if someone asked me if i had a brother,
i can answer two ways.
i can say, honestly, that i never had one.
or i can honestly say
yes.
I really like this poem particularly because my sister didnt make it long past birth either so it was really interesting for me to read this poem and get another perspective from someone else that I share the same experience with. I also like the fact that the stanzas are broken up by roman numerals because for me not only is it easier to read but it gives each stanza more meaning as if they are different stages of feeling. I have to disagree with others in class about taking out the sixth stanza because it is a hard thing to grapple with about having a sibling who has passed away. I think the author is trying to convey that and how hard it can be when someone asks you a simple question: do you have siblings? I also found it interesting that the author decided not to capitalize appropriate words. I really like the title of this poem and actually the poem overall.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this poem, Luke. “The sand is grey” sets the melancholy tone of that poem that never seems to change. The world continues to pass and life happens, but the speaker will always have thoughts and emotions about his twin. Just like the grey sand never changes, he will always feel as though a piece of his life is missing. My only big suggestion would be to place section six before section five. That way, you could create a sort of cycle that emphasizes the forward movement of life against the seemingly consistent emotions of loss due to the death of the twin brother. I also really love how you split the poem up into stanzas separated by roman numerals because it makes it much easier for me to understand.
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