I
breathe in
i am
anomaly
birds written in unmarked snow
i plagiarized
i forgive
i notice
ubiquitous
am i
sense of self
undefined in all
abstract thoughts
floating
bullets on the parchment
hallway trysts
in vain of youth
never failing to disillusion
blood in life blood in death
we all notice
notice me notice you
searching for me
identification unknown
if i am who they see
signs of life
notice these
who am i
cycle repeats
actions defining
this wordsmith
former of phrases
craftsman of paragraphs
artisan of prose
patterns are guillotines
death comes with conforming
i am myself
who is myself
find this find you notice here
notice my work
gunshots with an exclamation point
reign of impatience
glance over
notice him notice me notice you
an adumbrate loophole
find it find everything
notice the defining me
breathe out
II
breathe out
what is
gratitude
is it you
notice me
is it read
biography of styles
do we dare
how are you
why are you
who are you
when are we
when am i
am i erasing
art from pages
stay with me
canvas made blank
i will do it
my great wonder
small hours of the morning
don’t fail me now
if i should fall
down
and down
and down
will you catch me
will you be there
at my behest
will you find me
who am i to you
what i am is what i do
erasing me
fade to black
rebirth is inspiration
conversion
conformity
darkness
the end of an era
the beginning of an age
slowly
i feel the death
of a nation
on butterfly wings
notice this will you notice
please can i
breathe in
Luke,
ReplyDeleteThis poem is extremely intriguing to me, and it really makes me think. To be honest with you, I had to read it 3 times through before I could gather my thoughts about it all. I really appreciated the feeling of disconnect between the ideas presented in each line. I believe it added immensely to the poem overall in that it made it seem as if the poet narrative was truly debating and struggling with the idea of who he is and who he is as a poet. I also really loved how the first part of the poem started with "breath in" and ended with "breath out", whereas the second part of the poem started with "breath in" and ended with "breath out". It made the poem seem real, and that while all these thoughts were compiling at such a fast rate, that the poet narrative was still taking things breath by breath.
My one suggestion, is of personal preference, I found the poem slightly harder to read due to the line structure. I think moving only certain lines would add more emphasis to those lines and your overall point could be conveyed more readily. However, as I said this is a mere suggestion!
I truly enjoyed your poem, and you have me wondering where else canvases are going to show up in your work!
Luke, this is a great poem! I really enjoyed reading it, though I did have to read it more than one time through. It is definitely very thought-provoking! I love all of your small phrases, such as "fade to black" and "rebirth to inspiration". Your entire poem flows really well and comes together to form a great picture. However, I do think that the structure of your poem made it difficult for me to read and fully understand. I was too focused on the actual structure to concentrate on the depth of the poem itself. Though it looks awesome, I do not know if this kind of structure is complete necessary the entire way through. My suggestion would be to move the lines around in only some places, maybe where you want the most emphasis. Overall though, I really enjoyed your poem! You are a great writer!
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